Eric’s Question: A friend of mine has had a grudge for 10 years about Easter dinner

On October 24, 2024By Yukito

Dear Eric: I don’t usually tell people that they hurt my feelings because I find criticism rude. I’m currently in what looks like a deal breaker situation.

A few weeks ago I had lunch with someone who I consider a very good friend. This is someone I see several times a month and travel with.

My friend was very excited about the new group of foodies they were forming – a rotating dinner party. I told my friend the idea seemed cool and I was interested.

The next time we met, my friend brought up the group topic again. When I was told in a roundabout way that I wouldn’t be considered, I was shocked and upset.

My friend said, “I will be very selective in who I attend because some people think that parties are ‘the more the merrier’ and this is not the cultural event I want to organize. When you asked me to attend Easter with your mother, my table was fully booked and it was crowded.

I was shocked: my request had been submitted 10 years ago and was accepted. If I had been refused, I would have stayed at home with my mother. To consider this a hack on my part is very depressing. Of course, I no longer want to be included in this “elite” group. Do I have any other choice than to confront this rudeness or abandon the friendship? I don’t see a single one.

—Offended Friend

Dear Friend: From where I sit, this so-called very good friend seems like a bit of a jerk to me. First, organizing a party you won’t be invited to? Twice?

Second, hold a grudge over an overstuffed Easter table from a decade ago? I just don’t think so. One of the characteristics of religious lunches and dinners celebrated at this time of year is a large, full table (sometimes the whole table is painted by an Italian master).

I see it as petty and I don’t like it. But I don’t have to like it, because it’s not my friendship, it’s yours. So you have to decide whether it’s worth saving your friendship by speaking out, or whether you’d rather cut your losses and move on. If this person is, as you say, a very good friend, they should be able to listen when you tell them they hurt your feelings and they should be willing to make things right.

It’s important to remember that telling people they hurt your feelings is not criticism, but clear communication. It helps people be better friends with you. It’s not always comfortable, but without communication, our friendships can become overrun with resentment. I therefore encourage you to speak out in this case and in any other case.

Dear Eric: I am a 50-year-old woman who lives with my lovely (male) partner: we have been together for over 15 years but have never been married. I had a first marriage to my teenage sweetheart that ended in divorce, which was deeply painful not only for me but also for my conservative religious family. Mine was only the second divorce in our family.

I kept my ex-husband’s surname because I built my career under this surname. I don’t think of it as his name, but as mine: it’s a pretty common name, so people have no reason to associate it with my ex. (e.g. if my parents and brother are Browns, my partner is Mr. Gray and I am Mrs. Green.)

When my mother or brother write to me, they address the letters to Mrs. Green. I haven’t been Mrs. Green at home in over 20 years, but I have always been Mrs. Green at work. I’m not Mrs. Green. I’m Mrs. Green. For the most part it doesn’t bother me, I think it’s just them. And I don’t know how to reconcile it with them without reopening old wounds. Should I keep sucking it or say something? If so, what?

– Nearby, lady.

Dear Loved One: Even though your family has had a hard time with your divorce, I’m sure they will be able to handle removing the “r” in the greeting without a major crisis. It saves ink! Time hack! Frees up more Rs for people like me to use as first initials. And most importantly, it’s your real name.

Tell them you noticed Ms. in their last message and that you missed Ms. “I use Mrs. instead of Ms.; Would you update your address book?” Hopefully, a gentle reminder will change the way they greet you. If this doesn’t happen, they are probably trying to send a message that you can freely return to the sender

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)