Eric’s Question: Gentle reminders or confrontation? Dealing with name issues

Dear Eric: I am a 50-year-old woman who lives with my lovely (male) partner: we have been together for over 15 years but have never been married. I had a first marriage to my teenage sweetheart that ended in divorce, which was deeply painful not only for me but also for my conservative religious family. Mine was only the second divorce in our family.

I kept my ex-husband’s surname because I built my career under this surname. I don’t think of it as his name, but as mine: it’s a pretty common name, so people have no reason to associate it with my ex. (e.g. if my parents and brother are Browns, my partner is Mr. Gray and I am Mrs. Green.)

When my mother or brother write to me, they address the letters to Mrs. Green. I haven’t been Mrs. Green at home in over 20 years, but I have always been Mrs. Green at work. I’m not Mrs. Green. I’m Mrs. Green. For the most part it doesn’t bother me, I think it’s just them. And I don’t know how to reconcile it with them without reopening old wounds. Should I continue this or say something? If so, what?

– Nearby, lady.

Dear Loved One: Even though your family has had a hard time with your divorce, I’m sure they will be able to handle removing the “r” in the greeting without a major crisis. It saves ink! Time hack! Frees up more Rs for people like me to use as first initials. And most importantly, it’s your real name.

Tell them you noticed Ms. in their last message and that you missed Ms. “I use Mrs. instead of Ms.; Would you update your address book?” Hopefully, a gentle reminder will change the way they greet you. If this doesn’t happen, they are probably trying to send a message that you can freely return to the sender.

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