Dear Annie: Money is the latest problem in this hot and cold friendship

Dear Annie: I have been friends with “Martha” for 42 years. I always viewed our friendship as fleeting, but I excused her behavior because of her difficult upbringing. As we’ve gotten older, not much has changed. She gets angry over nothing and sometimes doesn’t talk to me for months. As kids it was about things like making different friends or taking different classes. In adulthood, it became more about lifestyle differences, such as repeatedly changing religion or going vegan, and not cutting ties with people whose views or customs she disagrees with. Through it all, I always thought about her family.

We are both single mothers and had our youngest children in our 40s; Mine is 14 and hers is 11. A few years ago, Martha inherited a large sum of money from a wealthy uncle. She told me at the time that if the inheritance was significant, she would share some of it with me, because, as she said, “We are family.” I thanked her, but told her I didn’t expect anything.

Unfortunately, we didn’t speak when she got the money due to one of these temporary arguments, so I didn’t know how much she received, but it was life-changing. She bought herself a house, several cars, an apartment for her eldest son, and gave her adult children large sums of money. We’ve both had financial problems, so I was genuinely happy for her and never brought up the offer she made to give me any of it.

Later, when we started talking again, she told me again that I was family and to ask if I ever needed anything. I made it clear that I didn’t want to ask her for money, but she insisted that she loved me, I’m family, and that was what she wanted me to do.

Fast forward to about a year ago, my youngest son became aware of his crooked teeth and basically stopped smiling. It broke my heart. I found a company that could help with aligners, but I couldn’t get the financing. After exhausting all other options, I finally decided to ask Martha for help. It was hard, but she had told me repeatedly that she wanted to be there for me and I simply believed her. I asked if I could borrow $2,000 to cover the treatment and promised to pay her back. She immediately agreed and told me that was not necessary. She said, “You’re family and I’m glad I can give it to you.” I was overwhelmed with gratitude, literally in tears, and told her I would pay it back, but she insisted I didn’t have to.

Now, about a year later, she is angry with me over political differences. She recently sent me a hurtful message saying that I was being selfish and that by asking for that money I was willing to disrespect her to do something for my “real family.” I reminded her of her repeated offers and she said she didn’t expect me to actually ask to borrow money and certainly not for as much as I did. She said my request left her $2,000 short of buying another house, which seems unlikely to me, and I think her anger has more to do with our political differences.

I’m torn. Part of me wants to cut ties, send her the $2,000, and move on to learning a painful lesson at the cost of a 42-year friendship. But the other part wants to forgive her, pay back the money and continue the friendship. I feel sad, ashamed that I asked her for help, and like I should have known better. No matter how hard life gets, I never ask for help, and this is a harsh reminder of why. — Conflicting

Best Conflict: It’s true that meaningful friendship shouldn’t feel like a roller coaster, where kindness is offered one minute and weaponized the next. Even if you and Martha are on “good” terms, it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and she gets angry again.

Send her the money back, if you are financially able to do so, and distance yourself from this toxicity. Just because you’ve been friends for so long doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay and be mistreated.