Questions for Eric: My sister's cruel words during the argument changed our relationship forever

Dear Erik: I am a young woman, 30 years old. I had a small fight with my sister sometime in December 2023. The words that hurt me the most from her were: “If we can’t get along, let’s leave this sisterhood.” I was so devastated, heartbroken and lost.

So from that day on I decided not to talk to her like I used to. She is staying in another country and I am in my home country. I really love her. I don’t even want bad things to happen to her. But those words keep echoing in my head. What should I do?

– Concerned sister

Dear sister: Your sister’s reaction was so extreme; I wonder if the little fight actually felt small to her. It’s possible that she was overreacting, or was in a heightened emotional state, but proposing to end your relationship suggests that this conflict has a longer backstory that needs to be resolved.

In the same vein, you were so hurt that you accepted her proposal. That also suggests that this was the tip of an iceberg of bruised feelings between the two of you. So, what’s really going on?

Whatever underlies the argument, this doesn’t have to be the end.

If you reach out to her to unpack this, you might be able to break the pattern you’re both in. Try calling if she’ll accept it. Or a letter, if she doesn’t want that.

Start with the core truth: you love her, and you want to fix it. To do this, you need to talk about the ways you were hurt, and you need to open up about the ways she felt hurt. This isn’t easy and it can make both of you feel defensive. But the purpose of the conversation is to get to the question “how do we move forward?” Try to penetrate that. It may take multiple conversations, apologies, and adjustments. But hopefully you can get to the point where you feel safe enough to take permanent divorce off the table.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.