SAUCY SECRETS: I Secretly Started Doing Horrible Things to My Husband as Revenge for the Life I NEVER Wanted

Dear Jana,

Lately, I’ve noticed that I’m feeling frustrated and passive-aggressive in my marriage, just like my mother was with my father. It’s really starting to stress me out. Even little things like the sound of my husband chewing confused me. I find myself doing little things to express my frustration, like leaving the nice pillows on my side of the bed, adding too much salt to his meals, and sighing or rolling my eyes when he tries to talk to me.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way; I don’t actually hate him. But I can’t shake the feeling of boredom and being stuck in a suburban life I didn’t expect. I imagined more travel, excitement, and intimacy in our relationship. Instead, I often find myself spending Saturday nights reading novels while he watches sports. I’d even love the opportunity to go to a game together, just to break the routine.

How can I rekindle the spark in our marriage and avoid resenting him? I really don’t want to be like my mother.

Sasha.

Oh Sasha,

I know the feeling. I usually get it when I’m SO taken out of a relationship. Seriously, if even their chewing is driving you crazy, it’s time to say Sayonara. Megan Fox’s ex-husband recently said he knew his marriage was over when she kept getting annoyed by his breathing. LOL – but also tragic. Luckily for me, I can have one of those slightly awkward “it’s not you, it’s me” conversations and be done with it. However, you’re kind of in trouble with the whole marriage thing.

But fear not, I’ve put on my thinking hat and come up with some simple solutions to your passive dilemma.

First of all, good job on recognizing those passive-aggressive tendencies. We all know people who have them and are completely unaware of it. Furious.

So if you’re looking for adventure and more spark in your love life, why not start by telling your man – before you give the poor guy a heart attack with all that salt.

Explain to him in a friendly way that you are bored and need to get the heart rate going again. A subtle “if not, then I’m out of here” innuendo could land him a rocket.

You know what else I think works? Put it among the women and see if you get a little jealous. It’s amazing what it can do for your libido. When we see your man being watched by another woman, we can remind ourselves that it’s an open market and that we should be grateful for what we have.

And why not send him a spicy text at work? A tasteful nude perhaps. He will buy speeding tickets to get to your house. Shock the guy with some decent sexting and watch him take it one step further.

Your vajayjay will thank you for it.

Dear Jana,

I’m so fixated on my ex that I listen to his financial podcast every night when I go to sleep just to hear his voice. I also stalk his Instagram under a fake account and occasionally drive by his house to see if he’s home, or worse, to entertain someone.

Is there a quick way to get over someone you’re still deeply in love with? I’m aware that I’m acting out of control, but I can’t stop it! Does everyone go a little crazy during a breakup?

Anonymously.

Oh girl,

I’ve been there, done that. One time (when I was in my 20s) I even drove past an ex’s house and saw another girl’s car out front (the frangipani sticker on the back was a dead giveaway) and I parked behind her car , called him and had him come out to chat. for me.

I still cringe when I think about it.

So believe me when I say: I speak from experience. The only cure is to go cold turkey. Mute him on Instagram, take a different route home, and for at least a month of pretending he doesn’t exist. Out of sight, out of mind.

All you’re doing right now is torturing yourself. And I promise you, he probably doesn’t do half of the things your mind tells you he does.

I’m going to give the most annoying (but true) advice I’ve ever been told: It gets easier with time. So give yourself that time. Distract yourself with a glow-up – go to the gym, get a tan, try a new hair color, have cocktails with the girls.

Do whatever it takes to get this man out of your old brain. And before you know it, one day you’ll wake up and that dull ache in your heart won’t hurt so much. Give it a year and you’ll be 100 percent better. I promise.

So block, delete and distract. It’s the only way.

Dear Jana,

How often do guys talk to each other? My new boyfriend texts his male best friend all day, every day, even at work. My previous exes weren’t like that. Usually they text to arrange a catch up call. Is this normal? I’m starting to understand just how close they are…

Anonymously.

Dear anonymous,

You know what? In the past I would have been a little angry about it too. But then I started working at a men’s radio station and luckily I was put in the group chat. Me and five fantastic dudes with dumb heads.

And let me tell you, the texts didn’t stop. We used to do ridiculous things like on Friday afternoon everyone had to send the group a photo of their weekend drink of choice. We even had a running joke: if we came across a freezer during our travels, we had to stick our heads in and send a selfie of us doing it to the group chat (it didn’t make any sense, but it made us all laugh) . My brothers and I are in a similar group chat where we send each other ridiculous memes all day long.

Men are strange creatures, but they are also hilarious. And we WANT them to be good at communication. With some grim statistics about men’s mental health, if your partner has a good friend to talk to then I say hurray! He probably put himself in a supportive environment.

So let him exchange his crazy text messages and be thankful that he isn’t sitting at home watching too much porn by himself. No problem, just keep playing.