How to stop being jealous in a relationship, according to experts

According to Epstein, taking just a few minutes to identify your specific emotions (and why you feel them) can help you view your jealousy more objectively. This way, you’re less likely to immediately blame, berate, or judge your partner based on a fleeting suspicion. This exercise can also break the cycle of catastrophic thinking (What if they leave me for their ex???) and help you think about whether your feelings of jealousy stem from your partner’s actions or from your own underlying issues, such as low self-esteem or the fear of abandonment after your last breakup.

2. Fact-check your suspicions.

It’s easy to jump to conclusions and fall into worst-case scenarios when unhealthy jealousy hijacks your thoughts. They’re always texting someone… it has to be their ex. They laughed at their friend’s joke, but not mine… maybe they don’t like me anymore.

But remember: these assumptions are not facts: ‘This is a story your jealousy tells you’ Alex Ly, LMFTa therapist based in Fremont, California, tells SELF. That’s why it’s important to challenge your negative thoughts by focusing on what you do Actually know.

For example, let’s say your partner doesn’t answer your texts on Saturday evening. Before you automatically assume they’re flirting at a bar, take a moment to remind yourself of the facts: They’ve gone out before without any drama, right? Or they’ve already warned you that you’re busy, so it’s not like they’re deliberately ignoring you. And realistically: when you are while having fun with your friends, are you glued to your phone? (Probably not!)

3. Resist the urge to dig into your partner’s past relationships…

Even if there’s no reason to doubt their loyalty, retroactive jealousy (an unhealthy obsession with their past romantic relationships) can still creep in. You might scroll so deep into their one night stand’s Facebook page that you land on their posts from 2015, or compare your looks and intelligence to their cool, successful high school sweetheart.

However, indulging in this jealous behavior is a waste of time and energy, because their past experiences are in the past for a reason, Ly says. To prevent resentment from hijacking your current connection, he recommends setting healthy boundaries, such as blocking or muting their exes on social media to avoid getting into a conflict. rabbit hole of comparison. You can also politely ask them not to talk about their sexual history if you know it causes your insecurities. By taking these steps, you can protect your mental health and shift your focus to what’s happening nowwhich brings us to our next tip…

4. …and focus instead on what’s going well in your relationship.

Instead of obsessing over hypothetical “what if” questions, Ly recommends focusing your energy on appreciating the present: “It’s a helpful way to see how strong your relationship really is,” he says, and also how irrational your doubts can be.