Use Ozempic to get through the elections

The two main party candidates provide ample reasons for pessimism about the future of the republic. If you’re a party fanatic on the left or right, you’ll find yourself compulsively stuffing your face with gluten-free avocado toast or nacho cheese Doritos, respectively.

Ditto if you’re a double-hating libertarian on the verge of succumbing to solipsism.

If you don’t want to get diabetes from nervous snacking while worrying about what a candidate’s most fanatical supporters will do if their preferred authoritarian leader isn’t elected, consider pairing it with a shot of Ozempic. with the doomscrolling of your election season.

Of course, there are many ways to achieve the caloric middle ground. That could easily be done get some fresh air and go for a walk. A decidedly less healthy (but considerably more fun) way to shed the pounds is to satisfy your cravings smoking a cigarette. Maybe even a box if you live in a state without a sin tax. If you live in a swing state, doing 10 pushups every time you get a GOTV text can kickstart a new lease of life with increased upper body strength. However, if you have deep pockets (or generous insurance), you may also consider injecting Ozempic as a preventative treatment to suppress appetite.

While both major party candidates may seem inhuman, they are not lizard people (we’re pretty sure). But strangely enough, semaglutide does have a connection with reptiles: the active ingredient in Ozempic is a synthetic version of a metabolism-suppressing hormone found in Gila monster poison.

Both potential presidential candidates have pledged not to touch or expand Medicare, Medicaid and Veterans Affairs. The 42 percent of obese Americans disproportionately take advantage of these taxpayer-funded transfer programs.

However, monetary laxity and budgetary irresponsibility will not disappear anytime soon were work difficult to change that at Rode. Our desires, both financial and gastronomic, do not diminish, but thanks to advances in weight loss drugs, we can at least try to compensate for the national sweet tooth. Save yourself money at the grocery store checkout by chemically suppressing your insatiable appetite for partisan poll coverage, ominous cable news, and soon-to-be-discounted Halloween candy laced with semaglutide!

There are numerous side effects for many prescription drugs, and Ozempic is no exception. Side effects include: pancreatitis, blurred vision, hypoglycemia, gallbladder problems, anaphylaxis, and even kidney failure. But don’t be afraid. The most common side effects are those you already experience in the run-up to this election nightmare: nausea, vomiting, stomach pain and – probably not at the same time – diarrhea and constipation.

As long as you’re losing all your… cool… about former President Donald Trump or Vice President Kamala Harris becoming president, you might as well lose some weight while you’re at it. Likewise, if you’re a libertarian sickened by the prospect of one of the two neo-populists becoming commander-in-chief of the administrative state, you might as well throw up on purpose. You may even experience a fleeting reprieve after emptying the contents of your stomach, rather than struggling to keep them down as you watch Republicans and Democrats compete to outdo the other on counterproductive measures. industrial policy and licentious expenditure to suggest.

A disclaimer: The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved Ozempic for weight loss; it is only approved for the treatment of type 2 diabetes. Wegovy, the pharmacologically identical big brother of Novo Nordisk with Ozempicis FDA approved for weight loss. (Not that most Rode readers care what the FDA does and does not approve.)

Instead of packing on the pounds while rotting in the comfort of your bed, yelling at the partisans on MSNBC, Fox News or wherever: dose up on semaglutide. You can’t do anything about the results anyway; your vote is certainly not decisive. Consider this an opportunity to kickstart a healthier lifestyle that will last far longer than Election Day and will leave you feeling lighter and healthier no matter who ends up in office.